So here I am again, wondering what good reasons could there possibly be?
Just like before, I am again falling into pieces, trying to dry my tears under the bright moon that was once a witness to how much effort you’ve placed upon the bike’s petals just to see me that one night. Did you know that from that moment on, you swept me off of my feet? I would never forget such night, eternally I would have that picture of you; white shirt, green Bermuda shorts and white Beats earphones, and of course your bike. I have never figured how my knight in shining armor would look like, or how Prince Charming’s entrance would be; until that night. Everything else was perfect.
I easily fall into love, and out of it, too. But this damn heart knows that such night would be a start of forever. And I still think it would be. As you know, we may have separate lives now, love never dies, perhaps the flames are burning dimmer though, but never shall they die. In my heart of hearts, you still occupy a spot. And how could I even deny that you have smitten me that even now, thinking of you is both bitter sweet, partly hurting, partly hoping. One common friend told me, that you’ve got the swag, I couldn’t agree more. You are too good to be true. And of all those souls I have shared a part of me with; you have the warmest of kiss, the one with the sincerest passion. You’re the best one I’ve ever had, cliché, but damn, it fits you. Isa kang multo, minsan ka lang nagpakita, but I would forever remember.
Bad things happen for a reason. And so allow me to think that this beautiful nightmare is but for the good of my heart. You thought me how to be stronger, to be more secure; and yes, to learn how to love myself first and to be careful in falling deeply. Ultimately, you reminded me how beautiful love could be.
I have lived 21 years now. 21 years, 21 bitter sweet years.
After such long years, finally tonight I realized something, of great importance I guess.
No one – not even a single soul has told me that I am special.
All my life I haven’t been part of the common, sort of. I have always made my way into the stage. I was awarded best in art when I was in preschool, and oh, I had the second highest academic standing. So I guess that was something, at least. When I was in my grade school years, I was part of ‘those few’ – those kids that always make it into school activities, academically good and basically has a name, a family name at that. So I guess that was something too. Came high school, I was part of the lime light. I came from a semi-exclusive school, everybody knows everybody. And so the competition was tough, but I had a spot. I was special. But nobody told me. Perhaps they were too used to it, or maybe I was simply expecting too much – much for me.
I grew up like an only child, almost. When I was a kid all my other siblings are way too grown up that I could actually be thought of as their kid. I was the joy of the family, at least for a while. Then again, if I may say, I was special. But nobody told me. Perhaps they were too com’table that I knew it and it need not be uttered. But then again, I hope it had been.
I haven’t been in an official relationship. But I have to account for two special people in my life. Two people who did make me feel special. Let’s name them Janet and Alex; two special individuals whom I have shared part of me, part of my life with. Others may call it love – I still won’t. I don’t want to put a name on something I haven’t fully had. What isn’t mine isn’t mine. This two though, if I may say again, made me feel special. But have they told me that I was? Nah! They didn’t but I wish they had.
If I were to account the many ‘play-arounds’ that I have had, perhaps the hook ups and one night stands would be out numbered; but never would be the affection that I have somehow placed unto the ‘what is between us’ stuff. I know just when to play, but there would be games that are guised in the cloak of a genuine would-be-relationship – that I have to admit, I fell victim to for a few times. The likes of Khael made me feel special, at least for a time if not for just a night. Perhaps it’s stupidity to expect to at least hear from one of them, but hey, why not. Nevertheless, nobody did.
All my life I have been blessed to feel special, though no one soul ever dared to tell me that, I guess I have been simply filled, never told, but filled. For that reason maybe, is why I have been too vulnerable, too sheltered – and yes, been too much of a hopeless romantic. I vented out on FB the moment I finally decided to accept that Khael is simply playing around – and am expecting too much. One ‘friend’ gave, what to me is the most stupid comment I have ever read. ‘SABI KO NA’ (Just as I have said) said the only comment in my status. It felt like a bullet hitting me, how insensitive of him, granted his current position at our Lungga. But perhaps he’s right also, more than his impulsive opinion, his insinuations hit me best. I was no special, I am not. So as expected, I shouldn’t expect, even the slightest return of what I gave away. Perhaps he’s right, that I am no special to deserve special – but that, I still would like to deviate upon.
For 21 years, no body dared say the words ‘you’re special’ on my face. But they sure made me feel that I was, that I am. But perhaps, I have to hear it too.
This would be my first blog for the year, and it has with it my promise. That I will never believe until am told, that I would never fall until I am sure that there would be a pair of open arms to catch. In the past days I have been thinking things over, and perhaps this would be nice, some change would be good. So to the persons that made the biggest impact in the recent days; Khael, my family, my PPLIC pips, ate Ves, boss and yes even you, Racy Coros – all of you, I would like to thank.
I am not a changed guy, but I will be. Bear with me though.
I´m still alive but I´m barely breathing just prayed to God that i don´t believen in Cause I got time while he got freedom Cause when a heart breaks , no it don´t break even His best days will be some of my worst He finally met a girl who´s gonna put him first While i´m wide awake he´s no trouble sleeping cause when a heart breaks, no it don´t break even What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and What am I suppose to say when I´m all choked up and you´re okay I´m falling to pieces I´m falling to pieces they say bad things happen for a reason but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding cause he´s moved on while I´m still grieving cause when a heart breaks , no it don´t break even what am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and what am I suppose to say when i´m all choked up and you´re okay I´m falling to pieces I´m falling to pieces I´m falling to pieces I´m falling to pieces You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain you took your suitcase and took the blame Now i´m tryin to make sense of what little remains , oh cause you left me with no love and no love to my name I´m still alive but I´m barely breathing just prayed to God that i don´t believen in Cause I got time while he got freedom Cause when a heart breaks , no it don´t break even No it don´t break even in What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you What am I supposed to say when I´m all choked up and you´r okay I´m falling to pieces I´m falling to pieces yeah yeah yeah I´m falling to pieces,oh I´m falling to pieces I´m falling to pieces